Battle of The Bats
by Lucky Larue
Summary: It's Snape vs. Lockhart. What to do when they're both vampires and Snape can't get Lockhart to leave him alone. Doesn't really have a time period, but Lockhart's there and HBP hasn't happened. Rated for a little language.


Battle of The Bats

"I hate you, you bastard." said Snape, bursting in on Lockhart when Lockhart was in the bathroom. "AAAHH! That thing, that horrid man is in the bathroom!" said Lockhart, who was in a stall.

Snape threw something under the door of the stall, and the stall exploded.

"Hahaha, nobody'll ever know it was me." said Snape, leaving the bathroom.

"Severus, I'm very dissapointed..." said Dumbledore, appearing before him.

"Sir! What makes you think it was me!" said Snape.

"Well, aside from the fact that I just saw you do it, you're the only one who knows how to make an exploding potion." said Dumbledore.

"Somebody could have stolen it..." said Snape. "I saw you do it, Severus." said Dumbledore. "Maybe someone is using Polyjuice to look like me." said Snape. "You're fired, Severus!" said Dumbledore.

Snape was grumbling and snarling as he packed his bags that day, kids laughing in glee as they saw he was finally getting the boot.

Snape took one last look back at Hogwarts before he walked off out across the grounds, lugging his bags with him.

Snape was most of the way across the grounds when he felt a bat land on his shoulder. Snape growled and put his bags down to swat the bat away. The bat flew back and turned into Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Lockhart! I murdered you!" said Snape, shocked. "Not anymore. I'm a vampire, you see, and I'm back!" said Lockhart. "YOU'RE a vampire! That is outrageous!" said Snape. "What's so outrageous about it!" asked Lockhart, offended. "Look at you! You're sunny and bright, you're cheerful, you're a disgrace! I'll show you a REAL vampire!" said Snape, and he bared his fangs and lunged at Lockhart.

Snape was biting Lockhart and trying to kill him when Lockhart tapped him on the shoulder and said, "You can't kill me by draining my blood, I'm a vampire.". Snape stopped biting him and said, "I knew that!".

Snape hissed and held up his hands while curling his fingers into a claw-like pose.

"Oh, you want to fight me, Snape?" said Lockhart, an air of superiority to him. "Well, what the hell else do you want!" asked Snape. "I only wanted you to see that I have not been killed by your ridiculous efforts." said Lockhart. "Oh." said Snape. He turned, picked up his suitcases, and walked on.

"Wait a second, where are you going?" asked Lockhart. "I don't know. I was fired", said Snape. "You don't say? Well, my, my, look how the cookie crumbles!" said Lockhart cheerfully. "Will you get lost?" snapped Snape.

"No. I don't feel like going back, I don't want to teach anymore. I'd rather tag along with you and see what you're up to." said Lockhart. Snape stopped walking. He bent down and opened up one of his suitcases. Snape pulled out a stake. "I will murder you!" said Snape. "Pish! I wanna have some fun!" said Lockhart.

Snape tried to get the stake through Lockhart, but Lockhart fell back down a hill and came to a crashing stop when he rolled into a huge rock and got knocked unconscious. Snape then picked up his bags and walked on.

Finally Snape was off Hogwarts grounds, so he apparated home.

Snape sat back in his chair and poured himself a glass of water. "I never drink alcohol, no matter what people might think!" Snape spat. Snape leaned back, staring off into space. Snape started to cry. "It'll never be the same again, I'll never be able to be happy -- scratch that, I've never been happy! But now I'll never take sadistic satisfaction in abusing students again! I can't believe this! Aarg! There's no Hogwarts without me! They'll see! Sob! They suck! Sob!" said Snape. Snape leaned over and put his head in his hands.

Suddenly he felt the pocket of his robes ripping and movement inside as a bat wriggled out.

"LOCKHART, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" roared Snape. "After my head hit that rock, I woke up and turned into a bat and flew to catch up with you. I snuck into your pocket when you weren't looking!" said Lockhart.

"WHAATT? WHY DID YOU DO THAT!" said Snape. Lockhart shrugged. "Well, I don't know any other vampires and I was lonely. And I thought we were starting to become friends", said Lockhart. Snape stood up and started chasing Lockhart.

"HEEELLPP! HAAALLPP!" cried Lockhart, flying up the stairs with his arms out in front of him, as Snape chased him. "There's no one in this house to call for, no one but me!" said Snape. "Well, it figure. You really should work on that disposition of yours, then maybe you'd be more popular. I could help you if you like," said Lockhart. "RAAAAAAHHHGG!" said Snape. Lockhart fluttered around left and right to avoid him in the upstairs hallway. Snape had left his wand downstairs. He used his wandless magic to try to stun Lockhart, but Lockhart dissapeared in a hole in the ceiling. "Get out of there! I knew I should have fixed that hole. Get out of my attic!" said Snape. Snape started to walk up the stairs to the attic.

When Snape got upstairs, he looked around the cluttered, dimly lit attic. He couldn't see the small bat among the rubbish. Snape stepped forward. "Lockhart..." he said in a menacing whisper.

"HEEELLLPP! HEEEELLPP!" said Lockhart, flying out from behind some boxes in a panic. "Haha! You fool!" said Snape.

"SOMEBODY HELLLPP MEEE!" said Lockhart. "I told you, there's nobody here but me, you imbecile!" said Snape. But Lockhart just kept screaming for help. Snape looked around the attic. He found a net and a pencil. "Well, that was convenient", said Snape. Snape approached the hysterical, panicking Lockhart who was flying in circles with his eyes closed. Snape netted him quickly and kept him trapped on the ground. "Oh, bloody hell", said Lockhart, looking around him.

Snape knelt down and held the pencil up like a stake. "You don't want to do this! It's the one crime amongst vampires to kill you own kind!" said Lockhart.

"Shut up, you Ann Rice watching piece of fluff." said Snape. Lockhart burst into tears. "Please don't do it! I was just trying to make friends!" said Lockhart. "I HATE DECENCY IN ALL ITS FORMS!" roared Snape and he drove the pencil forward. In an instant, Lockhart transformed back into his human form. He felt the pencil drive into his leg and yelled out bloody murder.

"That really stung!" Lockhart said as Snape looked at him in surprise. "You... I'll..." said Snape. Lockhart threw the net off of himself as he stood up quickly. Snape had deadly intent written on his face. Lockhart screamed and threw himself out the window. Lockhart crashed to the ground below.

Lockhart got up and brushed himself off. Snape stuck his head out the window. Lockhart gasped as he saw Snape jump down from his own window. "Nobody invades my home," said Snape. Lockhart turned back into a bat and started to flap off. "Alright, if that's the way you want to play", said Snape. He transformed into his own bat form and flew off after him. They went flapping and screeching through the air, Snape with an angry frown on his bat face and Lockhart nervously looking back at him every moment.

Snape caught up with him, and started biting Lockhart on the neck. Snape seriously mauled Lockhart, and neither of them was looking where they were going. As they continued flapping forward, they crashed right into the side of a stone building.

Snape and Lockhart slowly slid down to the ground, their faces flattened. They were both sitting on the ground, dazed expressions on their faces, eyes crossed, tongues hanging out, when a muggle woman walked up with her husband.

"Oh, look, honey! Those two poor bats are hurt! We'd better take them to a wildlife refuge!" said the woman. "I don't know if we should touch them, honey. They could have rabies. They do look a bit messed up." said the man. "Hmm, let's just scoop them up in your hat." said the woman. "Oh, damn." said the man.

Soon, Snape and Lockhart were being put into a box in the back of the couple's car, and driven to a wildlife refuge.

At the refuge, Snape and Lockhart were patched up and put into a cage. "You'll be just fine." said a woman who volunteered there.

Snape and Lockhart fell asleep, and then Snape woke up. "Squeek!" said Snape, looking around, angry and confused.

Lockhart opened his eyes. "Huh? What's going on?" thought Lockhart.

Snape screeched and suddenly he turned back into his human form, breaking apart the cage with his head and limbs. The woman who was running the place had turned and seen him. She let out an opera-esque high pitched scream, holding a hand over her chest. She passed out.

Lockhart transformed into his human form as Snape opened the front door. "Don't leave me behind, old pal!" said Lockhart. "Get lost! Would you just leave me alone, already?" said Snape, leaving the building. Lockhart crept out behind him. Snape had stopped to look around.

"Hmm? Where do you suppose we are?" said Lockhart, putting a hand on his chin and looking up, frowning as he pondered. "Look, you." said Snape, grabbing Lockhart by the collar of the robes. "Maybe it's the blows to the head, but I am willing to be EXTREMELY soft hearted at this moment and allow your life to continue! But ONLY if you head off in the opposite direction from me, and never come within my sight again! UNDERSTAND!" said Snape. "Do you think we should camp out here before it gets dark? We could get some rest, then start out fresh in the morning!" said Lockhart. Snape threw him onto the ground, where he hit his head on a tree trunk. Snape went back inside the refuge and returned with a pointy piece of broken off chair.

Snape held the stake up high above Lockhart. "GOOD RIDDENCE, DEMON OF THE LIGHT!" shouted Snape. As he brought down the stake, Lockhart kicked him to the side with both legs.Lockhart's face was clueless and wide eyed. "Uggh!" said Snape, tumbling to the ground and whacking his chin on a rock. The stake flew out of his hand. Snape growled, opened his eyes, and started to writhe along the ground towards the stake when he saw Lockhart jump into his frame of vision. Lockhart smiled, bending down and picking up the stake. "I don't think you'll really be needing this!" said Lockhart, and he threw it into the woods.

"Aaaauughh..." said Snape, shutting his eyes, still laying on the ground.

"Now, then, I suppose we should find out which way is north. That matters, doesn't it?" said Lockhart.

"You... you... freak..." said Snape.

To be continued...


End file.
